So much for updates. Jeez...

So I'm back at school. It's October. I haven't posted since June. But I'm back now, and ready for some action! ... or I just really need to get my thoughts out of my head so I can sleep better at night.

First thing: Joe. He just dropped off the face of the earth. I don't know why, he didn't tell me. He just hasn't contacted me in about 2 weeks. I'm worried about him. I mean, if he doesn't wanna talk to me that's cool, but still. I'm worried.

Also, school. I'm taking 8 classes. I'm trying really hard to try and get all of my work done, but it's very stressful. Ethics of Eating pisses me off. I eat meat, but the whole curriculum seems to be saying not to because animals suffer. I'm not cool with the suffering, but I can't afford to eat only organic farm-bred meat. The rest of my classes are pretty okay, I just need to study more.

My social life. I'm trying to balance this out with my schoolwork. It's become less of a priority to hang out with the people I live with, and more to hang out with the people who actually talked to me over the summer. It's not like I care any less about the people I live with, but Erin, Eliza, and Tingo are much more easy to get along with.

My spirituality. I know that in the past I've hated on Christians a whole lot because I thought that their way wasn't right. I was wrong. They WERE right. Somehow, I got pulled into this way of thinking. I'm pretty sure I'm a Christian now. Isn't it weird? And... I don't think this is something that I'm just going to try out for a while. I feel like I'm going to get a better lifestyle and a better attitude, and more love all around. I want a relationship with God, and I want to accept Jesus as my Savior. I'm going to work hard to do both of these things. I think I'm going to be much happier and a much better person.

Me. I need to make myself better. I'm stressing out all the time, and I know I've done pretty terrible things in the past. But I don't want to anymore and I know that God is going to help me become better. I'm going to make myself healthier as a whole. My worries will eventually be resolved, and I'll stop doing the things that I'm ashamed of doing. My sins will be forgiven and I'm going to become a good person.

These are the main things... everything else will spill out eventually...

BTW

Since the post before last... I got the original job I wanted in Customer Service.
I also got a car! 1995 Volvo 850 GLT... it's an awesome car...
I'll update more when I'm not so tired...

UGH!

Okay, so I guess I don't understand why some Christians have to try to convert everyone in the world to their religion.
Yes, I'll tell you right now... I keep track of people via Facebook. I can't help it when someone posts something and it ends up in my news feed. So when someone is posting something to the effect of: PRAY! I left a bible in [a restaurant]. Let's hope that whoever finds it will be saved!... I say:
MY GOODNESS! As if they couldn't hassle people enough by walking up to someone and trying to convert them. They think they can minimize effort and maximize "revenue" by leaving Bibles around! Can't they just leave these good people alone? I also had a 3-year-old hand me a flyer about getting saved and whatnot. That is absolutely the most disgusting thing I have known someone to do in a religious context. Forcing CHILDREN, who aren't old enough to understand religion, let alone much else about the world, to act as their puppets to do their bidding. It's just so CRUEL and I can't even come up with enough words to describe how upset it makes me feel.
Granted, I do know Christians who allow freedom for choice in their religion. I applaud these people. I also know religions, not just Christians, who wait until people are old enough to form their own choice as to what they want to accept them into their religion formally.
Why can't people just accept that there are many religions out there and that some people really hate it when you try to convert them...
As an American I should have the freedom of religion, or freedom to lack one. So why isn't it against the law for these people to be trying to force others into their religion. I say force because, as far as I see it, this type of manipulation (like using children, for example) is being just as forceful as if they threatened us.
I wish they would leave me and those like me alone...

Jeez...

I didn't get the job I got interviewed for. Still looking.

For goodness sake, I freaking love my mom! She's the most encouraging and loving mother I'll ever know.

I'm gonna go read some books. Now that I have time to, I'm really excited about reading for fun again...

Devastating news? I think not...

Alrighty.
So turns out. Joe broke up with me. Said I wasn't worth the relationship and that he never loved me. He made me feel worthless and stupid, and he lied to me for 4 months. And then, he asked me to be his friend. Hell... no...
But even though that hurt, I was really just pissed that I had wasted 4 months of my life where I could have been going out with someone who actually understood what a relationship was.
So what did I do? I went and told the people who didn't know about our relationship, like his family and ex-boyfriend. His ex was happy that I told him. He agrees with me. Which is excellent. Joe got mad about that, but it's his own damn fault that he lied to everyone like that. Only an asshole lies to their family. I should have known that, but I guess "love" blinds people.
And you know what? I'm perfectly happy without him. I don't need someone like that in my life. I'm on a new birth control and, since taking it, I haven't gotten upset or lashed out or cried or anything. Even when someone made me mad. I kept my cool and ignored it. A month ago I would have cried or yelled. It's excellent. I'm just plain happier. I'm spending more time with my friends. I'm getting to know some really awesome guys too! People are on my side. I have people in my life who think I'm more special than other people... which is something Joe couldn't do, apparently. I was just as special as any other friend to him. Which I think is inhuman. You have to prioritize people or you're going to end up with no friends.
So I have two exams finished and one more to go! I'm excited to go home. Some people that I met this year aren't coming back to school next year. I'm really really sad about that! I wish they could stay because they're the coolest people ever!
So, I'm eager to make my life into what it should be, without Joe. My life should consist of the same amount of schoolwork, more friends, and more downtime. Joe just caused stress, and I know that now. I'd also like to have a relationship that didn't revolve around the physical. That was the only real thing with Joe. I want a relationship where we have an emotional and intellectual connection. I want a guy who is both emotionally and intellectually mature. I want someone who deserves me and proves that he appreciates me before any kind of intimacy happens. I think that's how it should be. So this has been a long post, but I really needed to put down all my thoughts. Maybe next post I'll put down all my worries. There are a few for this summer. I thought I would need Joe for this summer to help me through these things, but you know what? I have other people. They really care about me a lot. They know how I feel and empathize, or sympathize. Either way, they're there for me, and that's all I need. No stupid boys who have the emotional capacity of a blueberry scone (Buffy reference, but an awesome one that totally applies).
Alright, I'll stop for tonight. Thanks for reading!
Goodnight!

YES!

Classes are done for this year! And I don't have an exam until Monday! Great stuff!
So here's the thing. I have the greatest parents in the world. I was in a bind twice this week because I have no money. First, I overdrew slightly on my bank account, and my mom called the bank to make them "let it slide" as a courtesy thing. She also had them put $50 into my account so that I could eat. She's sending up more money, as well. And then last night, I spilled a drink on the keyboard of my laptop. Stupid move. So they keyboard wasn't working so well. I went the the computer depot, and they told me they couldn't fix it because it was under warranty. I could buy a new keyboard that plugs into the USB, but I didn't have enough money to do that. So I called my Dad and he told the store his credit card number so that I could get the keyboard. So basically, even though I don't really deserve it, my parents help me a lot. I really love them and I'm so grateful for them.
So I'm feeling a little better. This week just hasn't been a great one. But I'm going to focus on studying.
Oh guess what?! I might have a job as soon as I get back from school! I'm really glad. It's not full time, but that's okay, it's got a decent wage. I'm really lucky I guess, because in these poor economic times, I wasn't sure if I could get a job at all... so it's good.
I still have more problems to resolve... but thank goodness I have people who can help me like my parents.... <3
Time for a little bit of Beltane fun!

Spirituality

Alrighty then.
So my boyfriend mentioned that he might try paganism or Wicca out. When he said this, I was reminded that, once upon a time, I practiced Wicca. I really enjoyed it. However, based on my spiritual preferences now, I'm not sure if I could practice it or not...
I don't particularly like the idea of a higher power that rules over us. It doesn't seem realistic to me. That nature is alive and that humans are just a small part of it, THAT I can believe. I kinda borrow aspects from many different religions, but there isn't just one that works out for me. I always have a qualm or two. So basically my beliefs are: That humans can establish their own set of moral laws and acceptable behaviors. They don't need a book to tell them the difference between right and wrong. That focus on energy within oneself is good for us. We should meditate and channel this energy. It is also possible to channel energy from nature to oneself. Humans have a distinct connection with nature but have lost it over time. We can compromise though, between our synthetic world and nature, because all things begin organically. Nothing we produce comes from a void. Everything we make comes from the Earth and we use these things, so we are still connected to the Earth. However, we are destroying it, and should make an effort to respect the place that sustains us. Focus on oneself benefits all. If we all can know ourselves, we can better understand the rest of our world. I emphasize meditation. This allows us to think or not think, however you look at it. Most people nowadays just don't have time to stop and focus. We don't use our senses. My religious perspective is one in which humans should coexist with the world they live in.
I just babbled on there for a long time and have come to the conclusion that Wicca still works for me, now that I think about it. Still... eventually I'll probably have something to gripe about. I'll do some more research I suppose

Upset much?

Hmm... It's been a while hasn't it.
I guess not much has been going on. I feel really upset tonight. There's just a bunch of things that are bothering me I guess. Right this second... it's all the drunk people being loud outside my window... that's annoying.
So anyway. Lots of upsetting stuff going on right now. Not that there isn't good stuff going on. There is. But bad stuff usually outweighs the good. I just need things to get better. I hate when I don't have an answer to stuff. It kinda sucks. I just want to resolve my problems and I don't know how to. It usually comes down to everyone wanting me to cater to them, and me not wanting to but giving in anyway just to make them happy. I really don't think I should do that, though. And even if it makes them hate me... maybe I should just do things my way anyway.
I'll think on it a little more.
Goodnight.

Okay, I'm ready

Alright.
So today I had that Art History exam and it went pretty well. I know I got two of the questions wrong, so based on how much I studied, I might have gotten 4 or 5 wrong out of 50 questions. Not too shabby. So I'm currently bed-ridden for female problems and I may have to go to the doctor tomorrow; not fun.
I just need to rest... I'll talk later... also upset because I'm disappointed in Joe.
Mata... ne...

No Time!

I have an Asian Art History exam tomorrow and I need to sleep, so I'll have to just post tomorrow...
Mata ne!

(Speechless)

Okay... I guess I'm speechless. I honestly didn't think that I could love someone as much as I love Joe. I don't really know what I'd do without him...

We spent a pretty close night together. I really think that we're okay being apart, because the times we do spend together make us so close that it doesn't matter how far apart we are any other time. I would rather he was here with me all the time, but maybe being apart at first will be better. All I know is that I love him, and I'm pretty damn sure I'm never going to stop for as long as I live. He might just be my soul-mate... for lack of a better word. Okay, I'm done ranting about him. ^_^

So today wasn't horrible, but it was pretty long and tiring. I got up at like noon, ate breakfast/lunch and then Kelly and I started studying for the Art History exam we have on Wednesday. Then we had to go to the silly anime meeting where we are currently watching the most stupid anime I've ever seen. I'm serious. It may be cute sometimes, but it just doesn't hold my interest. Ugh.

People are annoying me again. I'm trying my very hardest to control myself and not get frustrated with any of them, but it's hard. Have you ever felt like you just need some time to yourself. Well, ever since I was little, I've felt like that a lot. So when I don't get any "just me" time, which usually occurs on the weekend, I get a little pent-up frustration. I just like to be alone where no one can bug me or talk to me about useless things.

I'm going to the clinic on Tuesday to see if I can get some meds for the silly depression/mood swings I've been having. I think the birth control is causing it, but of course you can't reverse the effects of a shot.

Also, my jaw has been hurting a lot tonight, and it's only the right side. It feels very strange. I guess I'll just sleep it off and hopefully it'll be better by tomorrow morning. Stupid jaw.

This morning I had a little scare. I was supposed to turn in the roster by noon and I woke up too late, but I did get it in. And other people were handing in their rosters late, too. So I don't feel so bad.

Okay, I'm going to watch an episode of Bleach and then go to bed. I'm just really really tired.

Mata ne, I'm sure this time.

So many wrong things right now!

Okay, here's another one of my stupid early morning hours post. I'm probably going to regret it later.

I am SOOOO mad at myself. I can't even control any of my emotions. They just spill out of me and I end up hurting other people and then myself. I feel so stupid! I don't want to do this anymore. I'm starting to think it's the birth control, but if it is, then I can't help it because you can't reverse the effects of a shot.

I can't even study properly for school. I'm ending up concentrating more on stupid things like waiting for my boyfriend to get online or reading manga. And when I do study, I'm thinking about other things so that I can't really focus. I wish I could control myself.

I don't know what to do. This happens so often, not knowing what to do. I feel like all I can do is just let things happen to me. What's going on is that my emotions are controlling me. If I feel annoyed that Joe has to go to sleep... actually that's probably more like jealousy at this point, because I wish I could be the one to go to sleep first... it happens rarely, if at all. So I act rudely. And I'm also at the point where I can't even tolerate people in general. Like I want to hole myself up inside my own personal box and keep everyone out. And then I act poorly towards people, too. I used to just be able to act nice towards everyone, even if they annoyed me. I guess my passive-aggression is manifesting itself. I just want to have a little control, and not hurt the people I care about.

I feel like my main emotions lately have been anger and annoyance and sadness and disappointment. And I feel like they are ALL unjustified. It's so stupid to be annoyed with someone for having a conversation with me when I feel like being alone, and it's stupid to get angry at someone for not talking to me. It's stupid to feel extreme sadness and disappointment when Joe has to go to bed, and I'm not tired yet. I just feel really stupid. I don't even want to deal with things anymore. I want to be stable. I want everything to be stable. I want my emotions to be stable, and my sleeping habits to be stable, and my relationships with other people to be stable. There are just so many things going wrong right now, and I don't know how to make them right...

Why can't things just be right? Nothing is okay right now!!! I can't handle it!

Mata ne.... hopefully...

What a day...

Alright.
So I didn't go to English today... I was far too tired, and I wanted to study for Calculus but that didn't happen. I went to Art History, and almost fell asleep. Then, after doing notes at Brennan's, I went to my Calculus mid-term exam. I think I did horribly. I felt like crying in the middle of the exam because I had to leave some blank because I just didn't know how to solve them. I feel terrible. It really sucks.

But other than that it was a good day. I'm excited to wear a new dress I got for St. Patrick's day. It's really pretty. I also have my Japanese mid-term exam tomorrow. I really really hope I get a perfect score but I don't think that's gonna happen. I often make silly little mistakes with Kanji and stuff... but I've been studying my kanji a lot. Particles are kinda hard, too. I really want the college of Arts and Sciences to get back to me on the whole major change and whatnot. Maybe I'll get the e-mail tomorrow. I hope so...

Ahhh. I really don't have too much else to say. We sent out the Anime program acceptances last night. We still haven't heard from one person so we don't know whether or not he'll say yes, but Anime was his first choice so I imagine he'll agree.

One of my friends is considering dropping out of school. I really don't want him to, but he needs to get it together if he's gonna make it here. I'm glad he's coming to me for support. I like to be there for people when they need me. Feels good, I guess. He's a really good guy so I want him to stay, so we're gonna talk on Wednesday. I also think he has other stuff going on that he needs to talk about. I hope everything turns out right for him. He deserves it.

Heehee, Joe got his hair cut. Apparently really short, too. I really wanna see the pictures!!! He needs to get back from dinner so that he can post them online! I'm anxious!

Hmm, well I guess I need to review for the Japanese test... or I'll read a manga or something.

OKAY! THE MUSIC APPRECIATION SUITE NEEDS TO LEARN THAT DRUMMING ON EVERYTHING IN THEIR ROOMS IS REALLY ANNOYING TO THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE BELOW THEM!!!! AS IS THEIR MUSIC PLAYING ON REPEAT WITH A REPETITIVE BASS LINE FOR A HALF AN HOUR!!!! UUUUGGHHHH!!!

Okay, going to go do something else. Mata ne...

Long time, No see...

Alright. It's been a while, I know. I'm down in Virginia visiting my mom. Tomorrow, I fly back to Vermont. Sooooo... in the past week, a lot of things have happened to me.

Biggest thing: I'm changing my major again. I finally realized that I should be doing what I like doing. Not music education, because that would just be too much work. I'd have to take care of kids and a music library, and instruments, and there are too many different things that I would have to concentrate on with that job. My scatterbrain couldn't handle it. I need something more "black and white" as my mom would call it. So I was thinking about business. It seemed like a stable career, it had enough options to choose from. But you know what? It's not right. I can feel it. And I was reflecting about how I didn't know what I wanted to do, and my mom said that I just had to do what I liked to do. Well, thinking about what I liked to do, I could only come up with Japanese... it's the only thing I like studying for. Actually... I study for it when I'm bored. It doesn't seem like a job ever. Playing the clarinet was always a job or a chore. Studying for economics or thinking about the financial system of the country always seemed like it was over my head. Japanese is just fun. The only thing was, I thought of it as more of a hobby.

Then... I was thinking: Japanese COULD be a job. I was reading a manga at the time, and I thought about how it gets to the state it is so that Americans can read it. Well, wouldn't you know, they need a translator, an editor, a proofreader... I could do all that stuff! I'm a grammar/spelling freak, so in the process of translating text, I'm going to be adjusting grammar and I'll always have good spelling. So why couldn't I be a translator for an Anime or Manga company? It would be sooo cool! And if that didn't work out... well my sister and mom work at a cancer center hospital thing, and they're always calling for translators, as are different companies and hospitals and... well as long as I took some medical terminology course (which you can do online) I could always fall back to that! It seems almost too perfect. But why do something that I only sort of like, and am really terrible at, when I can do something I like that I'm really good at? DUH! I'm also going to minor in Film and TV studies, because it kinda goes along with anime. And I can use it in a business fashion too, as film and TV is an industry that has some international relations stuff...

Another thing I realized, is that I'm a little crazy. Joe didn't talk to me for like 3 days and I was flipping out. I haven't been sleeping well either, so that's been making me grouchy. And I'm just really insecure. I don't even know why, because Joe makes me feel incredibly safe and secure. I'm probably taking for granted what we have. I'm going to stop doing that, and accept that he can't be there for me 24/7 since we're not even living in the same state. >_< It's my fault for getting angry, and it was a little unjustified.

So another thing. I'm in Virginia... and you would think that it would have been nice and warm, right? Nope. There was one day this week that was 70 degrees. The rest were cold. It even snowed one morning. And we were supposed to go to the beach today, but we couldn't because it was cold and rainy. Grr.

I go back to school tomorrow. I have to study for a calculus midterm that I have on Monday... ewww. I also have a Japanese midterm on Tuesday, but I'm not concerned about that... ^_^

Wow. I had a lot to say, I guess. I'm kinda just waiting for Joe to get back from a concert so I can talk to him some more. I get to see him next week!!! So excited!!!

mata ne. I don't know when the next post will be, but I'll try to do it soon...

Frustration much?

Alright. From the title you can probably guess that I'm pretty damn frustrated. I don't know if I even wanna deal with anyone right now. For most people, I'm not even mad at them, I just can't bring myself to be happy. I kinda want to be left alone, but then again, I don't. I'm just so torn between all these things that are happening to me and I don't know how to deal with them. There doesn't seem to be any decision that I can make that would leave me feeling happy, or even just okay... This sucks a lot.
and, yet again... I don't know what to do...

Hmmph

Well... I had an interesting weekend. So I got really scared of the gentlemen on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I mean legitimately out-of-my-mind scared. It was horrible. They terrify me. Joss Whedon is crazy, but he's also brilliant. Dollhouse is fantastic too!

So I don't know why I'm upset about this, but Joe hasn't talked to me much in the last couple of days. We talked a bit last night but... still. He doesn't answer his phone, and I really want to hear his voice. He's not a bad boyfriend, and I'm angry at myself for getting so upset about it... but a 5 minute call wouldn't be too much to ask would it? I hope I'm not over-reacting again...

Anyway. So I'm considering going to the doctor (again), because for the past week I've been having these on and off cramps. They seem like the PMS-y kind but they're sharper and shorter-lasting. Technically you're supposed to see a doctor if cramps last for more than 3 or 4 days but I don't want to make it seem like more than it is. For all I know, it could just be my birth control. Ugh. I'll go on like Tuesday or Thursday if I'm not better (or if I don't get my period) by tomorrow. Stupid body with its stupid problems. Grrr.

Other than that, Program Director stuff for next year is going alright. It's going to be hard to choose people to put into our program... we'll manage though. Program fair on Wednesday!

Not much else going on. Two midterms on Thursday. Econ at 4 and Japanese oral exam at 6:30... >.< not really fun, but I'll just have to deal with it...

It's going to be a busy week. Tuesday I'm going to see Slumdog Millionaire, and we're making stuff for the Program Fair, which is on Wednesday. Thursday I have two midterms and our Art Gallery is opening at 6:00. Friday I'm going home with some of my stuff and hopefully moving some of my possesions into the new house. Then next Monday I'm flying down to Virginia to see my mom!

Busy Busy!

Ah, New Post

I just happen to feel like posting. I'm sorry I unleashed some emotions in the last post; I've pretty much sorted those out...

So I'm studying Japanese right now, or I was before. I really should be writing an essay, but I just love Japanese so much, I like studying for it. Granted, this is being much more productive than I was 3 hours ago. I was supposed to be doing my calculus homework, but instead I placed my forehead against my wall and stood there. I've been deemed the most unproductive procrastinator in the history of the world... which is true for the most part.

So back to Japanese... I like the way it sounds. It can be a really cute language, and it can be a really pissed-off sounding language. It's great. And it's pretty simple to learn, I think. It's just all these damn kanji! Grr...

Man, I'm tired. I slept for a couple of hours this afternoon, so I shouldn't be so tired. It's okay, though. I've got soda.

I suppose I'm going to go work on my essay. Or study Japanese some more...

Mata ne!

FUUUUUCK!!!

Why?! Why can't I just be happy? Why is it so hard for me to be happy? Why do people have to ruin what I try so hard to get? I just try and try and try and I get nothing out of it. I don't know what to do... I don't know what to do...

I'm not the person I want to be... or rather, I'm not the person that I think everyone else wants me to be...

So I've been noticing that I have been shutting out some people and aspects of my life that used to be there before. I've condensed my world to be smaller (in some ways) than it used to be. I'm not sure if this change is good. I feel like a lot of people want me to be integrated into their lives, and I only want to be a part of a few of them. I like my world to be smaller, but people get hurt when I push them out of my main circle. I try and try to condense the circle, and people keep trying to pull the perimeter out to encompass them. I don't want them to hate me because I still like them; but, for me, it's so hard to deal with everyone. I have a hard enough time dealing with my own life, and to have to try to deal with a lot of other people's is hard. That's not to say that I don't like helping people out, but the number of people that I can help is limited. There are things that I want to do, and right now, I'm trying to make sure that I'm happy, because if I'm not happy, the people around me are affected. So I'm not sure who to cater to: myself, or the people around me?

So that's my thought for today. As for the shallower thoughts, my boyfriend hasn't talked to me in 2 days, but he said that he would call me yesterday, and he didn't. And he didn't talk to me today, either. So I'm sad. I'm also over-reacting big time. I know he's probably busy (except that today is Friday, so not many people would be doing homework and things) but I can't help feeling like he's being rude by not answering his phone or sending me a text saying that he's too busy to talk or something. Any sign that he's still alive, and acknowledges that I'm here, would be okay with me. *Sigh* Again, I'm over-reacting a little.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a really great show. "Enemies" is a great episode. ^_^

I'm a little depressive right now. It happens when I don't get to talk to him. And when I'm under stress. A lot of people are asking a lot of things from me, and a lot of people are driving me up the wall with their annoying-ness. So maybe it's a combination of sadness, annoyance, and all around being stressed-out that's gotten me down lately. I hope it all changes, and soon.

Wow...

Okay, so maybe I don't have to worry as much as I have been. He seems to really love me, and he doesn't want to leave me. He knows that the future is unpredictable... but he told me he won't leave me anytime soon. As vague as that sounds, it's still really comforting to know that he'll be around for a while. We're being as optimistic as possible. So I'm content for the moment.

Or am I?

I'm not content with this stupid bronchitis. It's disrupting my paying attention in class, and making my taste buds go all out of whack. I just keep coughing and coughing and coughing and coughing, and it just doesn't stop! It's driving me nuts.

Oh! So today, I got back my English essay. The highest grade in the class was a B. My grade was a B. I think I did pretty well. Also, we got our Art History exams back. I got an 89. Pretty good, considering that a LOT of people failed.

Tomorrow I have a kanji quiz. So I need to study for that. All this silly kanji. I think it's the most difficult aspect of the Japanese language. Everything else is pretty easy peasy. BTW, "easy peasy" is the phrase of choice for me right now.

Well that's all the news I have to update you with.

Mata ne.